Writing is an outlet for me, its like therapy and very cathartic. Getting my thoughts out in the written form is what gets them out of my head and gives me peace. I have really been struggling lately, I am working my booty off in all the many area’s of my life and I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I have never cried publicly in my entire life, and this week I have had 2 public meltdowns and countless private ones.
Why? I am not entirely sure. I think most of it can be filtered down to my limited understanding. I just don’t see the good right now. I keep asking for new vision and it seems like everything is just getting more blurry. I am very much in the middle of Proverbs 3:5-6, I know my understanding is not worth putting much weight to, and I keep trying to figure out what path is the one He has ordained for me.
Certain things I know I need to work on. I keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. Everyday is a different hurt that rises up that I need to forgive. I am not able to do this. My flesh is weak and I want to hold on to bitterness, but by God’s strength, I am able to let go, again and again. I wear 2 bracelets everyday, one says “Beautiful Girl you can do hard things” and the other says “choose joy”. The hardest thing I have to do everyday is choose to count it all joy when I face trials and tribulations of every kind (James 1:2-8) because I am in the middle of the fiery furnace, no joke.
Today, I was once more bemoaning that I am not enough. And I just felt the Spirit ask if He was? I know I say that Jesus is all I need, but I was convicted that is really not how I am living. I need more of Jesus then ever, but my prayers are centered on my other needs, wants and desires. I know the right answer is that Jesus is all I need, but I don’t know when my heart will catch up to that.
I was reading in Luke 14 this afternoon about the cost to follow Jesus. The Passion translation of verse 26 says this, “When you follow me as my disciple, you must put aside your father, your mother, your wife [husband], your sisters, your brothers-yes, you will seem as though you hate your own life. This is the price you’ll pay to be considered one of my followers.” I know in my mind that I really want to be a disciple… But the cost seems extremely steep these days and I don’t know how much my broken-heart is willing to pay.
Is Jesus enough? Is He really all I need and all I want? Tonight, the questions remain. I don’t have the answers. I know I want it to be so. I want to be content with much or without. I want to lead my children in such a way that my words, my actions and the cry of my heart all line up in accordance with the word of God. I truly want to say, that I will serve the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength; even if the answers don’t come. Even if He doesn’t rescue me. Even if the night is long and the dawn never comes. I want Jesus to be my portion and my all. I am not there yet, but I am on my way.