Saved by Grace

Dreams and Battles
May 19, 2018

I study psychology. I am even pretty good at it according to my college professors. Psychology is the study of the mind and its functions, especially according to certain behaviors. A couple years ago my husband went and took a 2 day complete psychological evaluation and I got to to analyze the results and read the documentation the psychologist had regarding my husband. It is really amazing when science proves what I already knew, after all marriage is not always about making us happy, but making us holy. No other person see’s you at your worst on such a regular bases and decides to stick it out anyways. True love is greater then words, feelings and emotions. It is something that is done, an action, a steadfast and stable element that can never be shaken.

These tests analyzed every aspect of my husbands temperament, behavior and even his susceptibility to certain behaviors. The doctor had never seen such “even” results in her 30 years of expertise! See, in psychology, you don’t want to be too hot, and you don’t want to be too cold. You don’t want to have anger and rage issues, but you also don’t want to be depressed and apathetic to the cares of others. My husband was diagnosed at a 98.6, normal. Not prone to any negative behaviors and a loving, caring and generous husband and father. Not very many people can say that, let alone have the tests to prove it.

I wonder how I would rate on those same tests. I feel like I struggle so much against my fleshly desires to turn to rage, give into the only emotion that was permitted in my childhood home, anger. I know that vindication is from the Lord (Isaiah 54:17) and one day the people that have hurt and betrayed me will have to stand a give an account to God for their actions. But I also know that I will have to as well. I cannot control what others do to me. I can only control myself, my actions, my behaviors and my thoughts.

Very soon, my current hardship will be behind me. Just like all the struggles and trials before this one, we will overcome and see the goodness of the Lord in what has been some horrific injustices. My kids will witness and experience true resiliency, forgiveness and the quiet strength that only comes from being on the side of truth. The actions of other’s will never define us, we will not be victims, because we have overwhelming victory in Christ.

King David spent his childhood ignored by his father, belittled by his siblings and left to defend himself against the enemies that came to destroy him and his sheep. As a young man, he killed a giant, thousands of enemies and then ran for his life for over a dozen years because his father-in-law was cray cray. So many times David had the opportunity to take out his enemy Saul, the one that was trying to destroy him. David knew the truth, he was the anointed next king of Israel and with his group of 600 bad-ass warriors could have easily taken down the current monarchy. But he didn’t. He waited on God, to destroy his enemies, and did not take matters into his own hands. Without these hardships that David overcame, I doubt we would have the depth of emotions and the heart-rung tears that I find so much comfort in. Without out David’s pain would we have the book of Psalms? Sometimes it is better to know despair, heart-break, and loss just so you can feel the amazing and overwhelming grace of the Father’s love.

I have hesitated to ever take any sort of mood altering medication for depression or anxiety, even though I have considered it. I am not against it, because there are genuine needs and if it helps you, I am so thankful that we have these resources today from modern medicine. These medications work by taking away the lowest lows and the highest highs. It makes everything just less. I personally can’t risk not feeling the fullness of joy, even if it means I also have to experience the literally breaking of my heart.

I have come to realize that no matter how much I study the mind, and dig deep into psychological studies, I will never really understand why people hurt me, lie and are completely blinded to the truth. I can diagnose them with conditions and use man’s methods of labeling behaviors. But truly, there is no justification for harmful actions towards other human beings, other then calling it what it is. Sin. When it comes down to it, we all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. The only cure for sin is Christ’s blood, sacrificed once and for all for my short comings. Because I know this deep and meaningful forgiveness, I am able to walk in grace, in freedom, and allow others into my life so I can help show them I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know why bad things happen, I am not even trying to be perfect anymore. All I know that I am still just a sinner, saved by grace.

 

 

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